Beige Philip Principle #12 – Everybody “gets got” at some point.
You will fall in love, get your heart-broken and get fucked over, it’s inevitable and you need the experience to become a true player in the game, use your heartbreak as a learning experience to catapult yourself forwards.
So, a long one that isn’t necessarily around game/player, but geared towards the guy who is new to being single, to encourage him to build a solid foundation as step 1, and not just jump into day game without getting the foundation in place. The reasoning? So that when he does jumps into day game he can be as attractive as possible riding on a strong foundation, that the rest of him is rock solid. Women can see this clear as day.
If you haven’t been got, then this blog post probably isn’t for you. Otherwise stick around…
I’ve had this one in the hopper for a few months, “time to shoot the trainer and race the horse” as the saying goes.
Why am I writing this? It’s the place where I am at right now, and I know I’m not the only one in this place. I just got got. Fucked over? Meh, yea, but it wasn’t a new thing, it wasn’t on purpose. People with problems who are in your life are either dealing and working to resolve them, or if not then they are making them your problem. So either deal with it and get better, or I’m really going to miss you. I was no longer willing to accept her shit since the problems kept being made my problems, so I cut it and moved on. Don’t chase, replace (#7) . I’ll find the right girl at some point in the future after going through quite a few (the daygame nature of this blog after all) and then build my little slut the way I want her.
So I write this to let you know you are not alone, you are not the only one going through this down time in your life. And share with you some of my story.
So no matter who you are, you’re probably here to try to figure out new strategies around getting women into your life. But I want to do that hard record scratch thing you see in the movies first – <scratch noise> “So. I bet you’re wondering how I got here… “
Let’s back up and begin at the beginning. The entire premise of this post is to make that case that without a solid foundation to build on as you go forward then things are bound to fail because you don’t have your shit sorted and you’re not being the best you can be.
So first things first – Let’s give you some tools to get you past your past. Some of us come here as guys in their 20’s experiencing their first heartache, others are older guys who thought that they’d never be in this place again after getting married and then getting the divorce hammer dropped on them out of the blue. Other guys of any age making the same mistake over and over, and are now trying to figure out “what the fuck, I’m doing it just like they tell me I should be doing it but the same shit keeps happening to me each time”. Whatever. In each scenario you got got. The reasons why don’t matter so much yet. The important part is the work you now have to do in order to move past the wreckage burning brightly in the rear view mirror and leave all that behind.
As I write this at day 79 of my recent breakup I have good days and some real miserable fucking days. Things get slippery in my head, I’m going through all the stages of grief – it’s damn uncomfortable and I don’t want to be here, didn’t think I would be. It’s a normal part of breakups. But this isn’t the first time, and for the man who has gone through this process and comes out the other side you’ll find that you’ve learned a lot about yourself and now you know your value. Which means that this isn’t the last time that I’m going to go through a tough breakup. Iron sharpens iron, that which does not kill me makes me stronger. These sayings exist for a reason.
So a huge part of becoming a player in the game is understanding that this can <strike> will happen, that we take the chance of getting got when we least expect it, and that we need to build a toolbox of support for yourself when your relationship with your top girl unbuttons. Some guys like Troy Francis (a great twitter follow suggestion for you) work hard to maintain a mindset that he’ll never pair bond with a woman and instead move on to the next one in his rotation when he feels the feelz coming on. That women are fungible.
Others, like Caleb over at The BlackDragon Blog use a promotion ladder as a framework to vetting girls. More on vetting below, insanely important to understand and put into practice, and a skill that we’re never good enough at. I failed this time (see post mortem below) in large part because I promoted improperly.
So how do you begin to build a toolbox? Here are my go-to’s to get me through these horrible times.
First off, after a breakup your brain is your own worst enemy.
Distorted thinking, obsessive thinking, rationalizing incessantly about anything and everything, inability to focus, and horrible decision making will plague you for a few months. It’s normal. The solution: Get in the gym. As men we are not equipped to deal with all this emotional input over loss that crashes over us. Balance the emotional with a physical effort. Chances are you should be in the gym anyway, this just further solidifies the reasoning why you need to open the door to the gym each day. Alternate: EMDR, or tapping/ “EFT – Emotional freedom technique” , can help balance the sides of the brain and provide some temp relief when monkey brain* strikes.
Time for a good hard evaluation of what you’ve allowed to happen to yourself, and see just how far off from being your best that you are right now. Set the timer for 5 minutes. Get naked and stand tall in front of a full length mirror, and take a good long look at yourself in the mirror – what do you see? What needs fixing? Hair? Gut? Muscle tone? Are you a fat fuck? Whatever. Put your ego to the side and shelve your pride. You’ve got time on your hands now, its time to get to work on this stuff.
And as you look, consider the big question – would you fuck you?
Stand there looking at yourself until the 5 minute timer goes off. Then go get a piece of paper and begin to make your list of shit that needs to get handled.
And think about what changed, what you allowed to be ground out of you over time, women can be like Chinese water torture, the frog being slowly boiled, parts of yourself that you sacrificed and lost for the sake of the relationship not even aware that these things are gone. What did you give up? What did you do that initially attracted her (#4) that made you happy did you gave up on?
Do the things that make you happy, add those things to your list. Start making plans to do them.
What have you always wanted to do but never done? Think about it, for days if you need to. Add them to your list
Then, do a post-mortem. If you had to do it over again – which you can’t – what would you have done differently? Leverage one of the benefits of hindsight. This part of the list will change over time as you begin to regain your sanity. It’s ok to cross things out that you had on it (“jeez, what an idiot I was”, or in a healthier version “man, look how much I’ve learned and grown since then” right?) and/or add new things to the list over time.
Shawn Smith’s Tactical Guide to Women to learn how to vet and promote the women in your life in a healthy way next time, and what to watch out for. Rollo’s seminal Rational Male works to help understand the nature of women. I’m a huge fan of Ian Ironwoods work, and his artwork is fantastic. Reading Robert Glover’s No More Mister Nice Guy saved my life, that was my 2×4 upside the head moment when I realized that everything that happened was my fault.
Begin to work on learning game, and how to make yourself attractive to women. There are tons of online blogs like this that you can find via Twitter. Start with Nash on Twitter and begin to dive into “Pickup/Game Twitter”, begin to follow one guy, others will show up in his feed, continue to follow them, find their blogs, and then learn yourself up.
Make yourself your own mental point of origin
Rich Cooper is really good on this topic. This is probably the most important learning component there is, the thing men struggle with the most.
Meditation is good too, helps calm that monkey brain that just won’t shut the fuck up
It’s going to take time, and that you don’t want to give the time doesn’t matter, the time needs to happen. So give yourself permission to take the time to work through this. I’m figuring 6 months. Hurt people hurt people. <- read that again. Don’t fuck up other peoples lives while you are a fucking mess. If something drops in your lap while you are getting the fog out of your head and learning to stand back up on your own 2 feet then be brutally honest with her about where you are at, and your capabilities, or lack of. But maybe best not to actively pursue women for awhile.
Make a calendar
I print out a blank 6 month calendar, or you can go to the store and buy one. Each day you make progress by avoiding her, not interacting, not being hoovered back in, each morning you make an X in the box for the previous day. This divides the box into 4 quadrants. Put a number 1-10, 1 horrible, 10 god like, for sleep, emotional level, eating/food, and fitness into each of the quadrants of the X and then use those same sections of the X for those areas of focus as the days play out.
Make any notes in the calendar, if you don’t have enough room then put a number in the area of the X and note whatever in detail below, or add a piece of paper to go along.
What you are doing here is building a positive reinforcement cycle that you see in your own handwriting and patterns to your self care for eating/sleeping/emotional/fitness to help you tune things up in these majorly important areas.
After awhile you won’t want to fuck your calendar up by slipping when monkey brain takes over, which it will, and this will help you stay on track. I fucked my last calendar up, for what I thought were good reasons at the time, but everything got hornswaggled after that and here I am with a new calendar again. Whatever, work it bitches.
The best revenge? Go on to live an awesome life.
As you level yourself up younger and hotter WILL begin to cross your path, so have some fucking hope that the future holds amazing things for you.
I have coffee now and again with my past oneitis of almost 20 years that ended about 10 years ago, the one where the breakup gave me the gift of understanding all of this (and more), after the usual story of oneitis relationship breakups. I replaced her with a good looking nympho about 10 years younger, who I just returned back into the water. She can be a fantastic girl, and she is going to make someone really happy and I’ll always be grateful that she’s been part of my life. She is a *huge* reason that my life is so good right now, she saw me through some insanely difficult times and was always solid.
So my life is pretty fucking stupendous right now to be honest, has been for about 7 years now after I unfucked myself. My oneitis and I finally crossed paths in town for the first time post-breakup around New Years this year after living in the same small town. But she’s made a ton of bad decisions on top of bad decisions since we split, and is in a really bad place physically, emotionally, and spiritually, has been for awhile it turns out. She’s just had a scary big cardiac event, and admitted that her desire to live on and deal with this health issue to get to a better place is brutally low. Tough to hear but I’m so grateful for where I am at.
Men improve their lives when they know to focus on doing the work
Self Harm – Don’t!
And for gods sake – don’t EVER consider taking your life over the loss of a woman, of all the stupid things to do… But guys get to this place. If this is you then reach out. Reach out here, call a suicide hotline, talk to a friend, do something – but know that THIS IS A TEMPORARY PLACE, you WILL move out of it. Don’t, just don’t, there are so many options.
There is no “one” – in the world of however many billion people the idea that “the one” happened to live in the same town/nearby, that she happened to like you, you were destined to be together – what are the odds? Disney Bullshit – Level Eleventy Nine, there are many many women who can make you happy, you just need to clear your head of this one and let the brain chemicals fire themselves out.
Then unfuck yourself and learn to interact and attract women, vet for the good ones, and be happy.
If you commit to making yourself better as part of this temporary phase of life it’s going to be brutal, make no bones about it. But… and here is the payoff – doing the work is going to improve you so much that when you come out the other side you’ll see all the positive effects to yourself and your life, new great woman in your life, business is fantastic. And you’ll be happy. But hand to god, I’ve done this and come out the other side, and then ended up wishing that I was still back in it because I could see how much the process improved me, even in the midst of fucking hating that time of my life. I even took a 2nd trip to Costa Rica hoping to recreate a period of life that I was in skin crawling uncomfortableness because I saw how much progress on myself I’d made and I wanted that amazing growth again. And I couldn’t get back to that point again. The beaches of Tamarindo were beautiful, but the trip was average at best. Perhaps it’s time to go surfing again now that I think about it…
More in part 2