Couple of weeks in to the break up with the subbie ex, like a frog being boiled I got “got” slowly over time through decisions that *I* made. I’m in a real uncomfortable place by the virtue of just having to sit still for awhile till this passes, get all these brain chemicals cleared out of my head. I got in deeper than I wanted to, there were reasons why boundaries were not kept, but there is no reason why I shouldn’t have put the boundaries back in place. That is on me.
Lots of post-mortem, trying to figure things out, why it went down the way it did. Girl had everything she needed, yet her innate female nature causes her to blow the things in her life up. Happy, well fucked constantly, trained, led, protected, provisioned for. But still, in the midst, something went south.
Part of me wants to lunge into something to fill the space now left in my life, but not now. I need to sit with this one for awhile. Was thinking this morning that she was right there when I left my oneitis, and while I held her at bay for about 5 months after I’ve had the realization that I haven’t logged any real alone time since… a very long time ago.
It’s not going to kill me but it does make living life much more difficult. But it will pass, I’m willing to give it the time this time.
Still going to be working on game and working on myself, I’m hard at it in the gym but not getting out enough to be interacting with people regularly, so that’s the first step in the plan:
- grocery store for food that I like and stock up for just a few days at a time (helps me get out more often if I don’t pile food up)
- continue to avoid alcohol, a pop now and then isn’t bad but nothing good can come of more
- avoid sappy music
- do what I can to get better sleep
- avoid online dating sites like the plague and I’ve already deleted a bunch of accounts that I’d setup earlier in the year, don’t want that garbage.
- Sell all my shit off, too much stuff is owning me right now, I need to thin out drastically.
- Get on top of finances again.
- And that’s good for now, as my brain heals up I can add more in then, but until then I’m taking great care of me as best I can.
Doing the work