Another one I wrote a long while back, prob Nov of 2019, that I’ve had in the hopper for awhile but have been reticent to post it, since the issues are in the rearview mirror, and it’s kinda personal. So not very timely, yet with some recent updates, but I’ll put myself out there with the hope that it might help someone who is seeking some perspective in their situation.
Failure leaves clues, and it is important to see and understand them, so don’t shirk the experience. A lot of bloggers only write about success, I’m of the belief that our failures teach us the best lessons, ones that really change us for the better. Here is some failure, and how I’ll fix things going forward to improve myself.
Once you’ve logged some time swallowing the red pill you become familiar with a few of the “rules” that are published out there. Men, being creatures of logic, find the rules comforting, a way of making sense of things, a set of structure to work within. And these in particular are solid rules that have served me well:
So, since it is of great importance to understand what my part is in my being in my current past situation. I think it is very important to understand which of those rules resonate with me today in looking back in my post-mortem analysis.
Well, looking at the list – 2 (All bitches are crazy), 3 (Repeated favors become obligations), 6 (Trust your gut), 8 (Don’t assume shit), 13 (Be Ready to take the L) is the big one right now, 18 (Be astute, observe) was a gross whiff on my part – but in my defense there was so much indifference on my part by the end that I didn’t put much into this one.
And 20 (Don’t chase them, replace them) is already in play
But the overarching theme?
Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense, they’re out of their fucking minds. You’re trying to use logic to figure out a person who’s logic is based in emotion – stop with the logic, it’ll never fix an emotionally based problem. If you want to change her logic, change how she feels. Easier said than done for Men, but that’s what it takes. So get to work training yourself how to do this, especially in the heat of the moment. If you find yourself frustrated with her and wanting to respond with a logical argument – flip a switch in your brain, and remind yourself that you are doing it wrong. Take a moment to regroup, breathe, and think about the emotions she is showing you – all the clues are there, and now solve the puzzle with emotion. And remember, many times the correct response is just to allow her to vent her emotions until they are gone, just be her rock, hold your frame, and let her storm around you and listen because it’s usually not about the nail
I realized a few months ago that based on my decisions to be single that I’ll always be in the process of attaching to someone new, being open to having it not work out for some reason after some period of time, and then detaching, and moving on to the next cycle. Learning to handle this cycle is going to be a critical experience for me.
I’m open to being wrong about this, I’d love to get my doors blown off and not have a choice but to get involved with a great girl because it is so fucking good I’d be a fool not to focus 100% of my attention on her alone, but until then…
This iteration is the first after that realization, and it feels a bit strange still in the moment, but this time I have a sense of why that is. In the past losing someone from my life would fuck me up emotionally because:
1 – due to my past I tend to have few people in my life. So losing one lover out of only a few friends has much larger impact then losing one lover when I have hundreds of friends
2 – I became too dependent on identifying myself as “me and her” vs just me, so once that “me/her as one” dynamic is no longer in play then I’ve been suddenly left adrift without an identity. This is a classic “guy mistake”
3 – This is the hard one for me, the sunken costs of a relationship. I invest myself in training her to be what I want, how to serve and please me. I’m making her better, chances are high that she has never had a strong lead in her life before
Taking the L means that I have to start the training process all over with the next one. My prior investment is 100% lost. I greatly dislike the “leave them better than you found them” meme. But I think that is inherent in a relationship with an aware man, so I accept it
Next guy she is with will get the benefit of my training, next girl I get is going to be fresh out of some loser and I start from scratch again
The good news? Her next guy won’t be able to stand up to me, chances are great that she will become some level of alpha-widowed
I wish her no ill, but that is the nature of things. My good news is that my new girl will be very motivated for something different than what she has had in the past, which means my chances of successful training her are high
If not, then repeat with the next one. But at least I have the better chance to be happy in the future since I am in control of my own destiny.
4 – I wait too long to pull the trigger and take the L, and now things are going south without having any control. Instead of me taking control, accepting the fate, and killing it off on my terms before it heads south I let things drag too long with hindsight. The addition of the drama of a relationship having a hectic coming apart adds an unnecessary layer of “argh, I should have done it differently” that I don’t need to be beating myself up over. I hate drama
5 – I can be a Pollyanna about my perception of the behavior/interaction with “other peoples children”. I expect that others will react/believe/act in a manner like I do. And instead they are true to themselves, and then I end up surprised when they behave differently than I would have. When people show you who they are you are responsible for listening
6 – You can only induce so much change in people, in the end they are who they are. Trust them the first time that they show you who they are
7 – Jealousy, possessiveness, unilateral entitlement, anger? Shockingly, still very unattractive and most undesirable – the rest I might have been able to work with, but these… These are show stoppers for me
“Within comfort there is no change, within change there is no comfort”. You want to be uncomfortable, that is natures way of telling you that you are growing, that you are doing the hard work to be better. The reason you were comfortable before is the reason why you are uncomfortable now – you stopped improving. And this is what you get.
“I tell her that I’d rather die than let any girl try to own me and bully me into living a life I don’t want to live, and that if I’m ever going to be a couple with someone and be faithful – then that has to come from inside me, not out of some threat or force.” All of which is completely true. I would rather die.
this is a good list too
In the end, my rule about plate spinning and monogamy/polygamy is — If the service and submission is high, then my monogamy will be high. She is meeting my needs. And inversely… The ex did well to bring it out in me early on but as the entitlement and jealousy seeped in things went in the wrong direction for her. She had all the control over her behavior and then fucked it all up. It’s been interesting to see a woman get all her needs met, very well fucked, well trained, well provided for – yet when she finds out there there are others, others that she already knew about, now because she isn’t doing the work, that integrity amnesia suddenly sets in, she forgets the commitments she’s made, and she blows the whole thing up because she “feels” her value is that of a 20 year old. Bitch, please. But her female nature just can’t help her help herself. It’s amazing to watch really when you aren’t invested in it.
And for me? Happy me, happy we. Always