Are you looking for just a hook up, or an LTR?

So I was asked the other day – “Are you looking for just a hook up or a long term relationship?”

Thought it was a great question, one I’ve been asked a bunch over the years. So I logged some time with a response, and came up with this:


Huh, interesting question. Lots of real estate between these 2 places to sit in, and each interaction is unique. So let’s dig in and start at one end and work through it to the other end.

No, not “just a hook up”, those days are mostly behind me and I’m about quality, anything else is a waste of my time. Any woman in my life needs to be a multiplier, no matter how slight the role.

But I’m still a guy at the end of the day so there is still some grey area in there. If someone has really caught my eye and they don’t want more than a hook up going forward then I’d probably be open to a conversation about how we’d go about banging boots to support each other if we still click really well. ie don’t ask, don’t tell? How do we introduce each other when we run across each other in town while towing someone else along with us? Pretend we don’t know each other? If no then what’s the back story on how me met? etc.

I’m more open to something casual without commitment which is a step above hook up in my world. I believe that the cream rises to the top, on both sides. I have no problem bringing my A game for someone I’m interested in, but I’d need to know that my A game is worth bringing out before getting aaaalllll the way to the other side and into something more formal. Until then it’s probably unreasonable for me to expect a commitment of any sort till this part is worked out, which is fine, cream goes to the top.

We’re not in our 20’s any more and the rules of the game have been flipped around 180*, my commitment is worth much more now to a woman in mid life looking for stability and the 3 P’s: protection, provisioning, providing – because she doesn’t have a man in her life to provide those things for her if she is looking to spend time with me.

So in ascending order:

— Hook up? 

Nah, prob not, but I’d be open to sitting down and hearing why it is in my best interests. But it would have to be quite a sell, but not an impossible one.

— Casual, NSA?

It would have to be the kind where both are interested in continuing to grow and work on it while learning about each other to be sure it’s right for both. If so, then yea, sure.

I’m not really the jealous type any more, and if I’m not the cream at the top within all the guys she is seeing then she shouldn’t see me and should see the guy who is the best fit for her.

Same goes for me, I’ll promote the girl who makes me the happiest, and is the best match, and bringing her best girl game for me to enjoy.

— Dating?

You’ve got my attention now, I see some value with our casual time together and we have fun when we’re out doing things. She reflects well on me, and I’m investing time to train her in what I like. And the results are positive, and she’s become a real multiplier in my life

— LTR?

Gotta climb up the rungs of the casual -> dating ladder first to get here, and it would have to be so good that I’d want to give you 100% of my attention, that it would be stupid of me not to. In my perfect world I’d want it to be so good that I’m pretty much not given a choice, that I’d have to get all in, any other option just isn’t an option.

I have great value, I need to know that it will be reciprocated in some way that has equal value to me. I can’t learn that without spending some time and having some experience with who you are first.

Do all the bits fit into the right places in the right way where everybody is squealing in happiness ?The body bits are obviously very important, but mental/emotional/life/family bits are too. If things are all good then let’s keep going.

In the end this is all a transaction of sorts, everybody needs to be happy with the deal. I won’t ever just give my value away without knowing that ALL the bits fit right first. 

A really interesting question, glad I was asked. In my head I think I had it worked out, but it took me a bit to turn it into words that make sense to me. Nice to see it written out to help seal it for me.

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