Found this waaay back in my notes from Oct of 2017, the post came from an online source that I didn’t note at the time.
ETA: the link to the original has been found, trying to get in touch with the author for approval to repost this here in its original unedited format. This post may go down if I am unable to get permission. https://kinkabuse.com/articles-essays/10-things-dom-needs-probably-saying-loud/
I reread it just now and thought about my past experiences and said “huh, this is pretty on target” and decided to go with it
1) Do what its told. Not just when it want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If its suddenly decided its a free agent then that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in our dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.
2) Keep its commitments. If Me/it/we have decided on a certain protocol its expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If it acts like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.
3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for it and it doesn’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow. See: Is my Master happy right now?
4) Don’t compare itself to other people. Whether its poly or monogamous, every time it looks at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust You, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that You want me like You say you do.” I am with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire I feel for my property is deeply insulting.
5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when it doesn’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why it should take its time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.
6) Own its tantrums. it can have feelings, deep intense feelings, if it didn’t it probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage it to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When it fucks up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and it says bad things, it needs to accept that in the morning it will be held accountable for the things it said even if it didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:
7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, IT makes the magic. it makes it by catching itself, by breathing into its rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you pervert).
8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that it always has the Master’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with its own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. it and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.
9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to it, and not with it. If it empowers itself as a co-creator of the dynamic, it will be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.
10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold My ground when things are difficult, knowing that if I repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics it will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see You as more human, it gets harder. When it gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell it about being a Dom is that even if You have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if You don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, then You’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with Your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.
The point here is that being the big “D” in Dominant takes more than it thinks and there are going to be days, even weeks when We’re not going to be able to pull it off.
I can tell you from experience that nothing means more to a Dom than when it still keeps its rituals even through the thin times.
Holding that space shows its strength, and it can take tremendous pride in serving with poise where it’s vanilla counterpart might be nagging and whining. With its devotion it pulls Us back like a compass, beckoning towards what is truly important, this secret journey of trust and growth that we are both on together.