A letter from my older self to my younger self as a means of sticking a boot in my younger ass to move me forward. I just didn’t do the work back then, and I regret that now looking back. I didn’t maximize myself if I look back at those days honestly. Regrets suck
I’m also writing this letter to speak to guys who are getting started but who haven’t taken the first steps yet, because they are locked up in analysis paralysis and up in their heads because there are so many books to read, so many videos to watch, so many routines to learn…
You might see yourself within, consider this your boot up your ass to toss you out of the nest and make you begin to fly, you already know how
Obviously when one prefaces their message with “meant with love and respect and hope you can take it in the spirit offered, and that you’ll turn it into actionable change” you know that this isn’t going to be an easy read.
But, out of desire to see men in so much pain who are starting to try to do the work but standing in their own way at the same time, I offer this tough love feedback. As they say in 12 step programs, take what you want, leave the rest.
I’ve got all these false constraints in my belief system, they seem so real to me that you can’t argue with themthe new guy getting started
Actually, from the outside, from a guy who sees a lot of potential in you, and sees that you are making the efforts to increase your value sky high by investing so much time in all this learning you are doing – I think YOU stop you. All of the below is 10/10 a fouled up belief system coupled with a lack of believing in yourself, lack of irrational self confidence and a lack of self esteem based on that bad belief system you’ve conditioned yourself with for years.
Lots of guys read about pickup and getting to the hook, and come away with the false belief that it’s her job to show you the value from the first moment. But it’s not “entertain me” as though the sole responsibility is hers, you just want to talk with her and see if you can get to the hook point, then you’ll be able to tell that she is all in on the conversation, and then get the digits, leave her in a state of wanting more with a false time constraint “I’m tight on time, but looking forward to seeing you” and then shoot her a text after to keep the warm fuzzy going. Kinda like when you sleep with a woman and its the middle of the night and you wake up, you just reach a foot over to find her, give her a little rub and she barely wakes up and moans an acknowledgement to you and falls right back to sleep, that’s what texting should be initially, just keeping that thin spider string of a connection going.
I’m a big fan of Paul Janka and his pickup game, (check out her body language and ALL this IOI’s she throws during their conversation, I discussed this video a bit on Twitter) and I wish you’d take the time to see that it doesn’t have to be all that complicated like he demonstrates over and over in his videos, books, and programs. Now would be a good time to revisit that, learn that you don’t need to put all this pressure on yourself in order to get where you want to go. More on getting where you want to go below. I’d love for you to listen to his audio programs, he’s really good and I think his low pressure style would suit you. I know it works for me
So… I’m kinda freaked out about actually succeeding, and I hook and she goes all in. FUCK! she’ll be in my bed, what the hell do I do then??!? I have no idea how to deal with women like that, I’m way stressedthe new guy getting started
How about keeping it simple – just start by learning to enjoy your time with them?? I think the one thing I see with you is the blue pill conditioning your life has been full of – the first girl who fucks you is the one you are instantly going to try to put a ring on her finger and get married. Scares the shit out of me honestly. On one hand I’ve been pushing on you hard when I can, on the other hand – given how you present yourself, your values, your morals – I’m fearful of what I’m pushing you into. Like a lamb into the slaughter, you are totally unprepared for the nature of females. Your mindset around where you want to go is in conflict with what you actually have to do, and you’ve got nearly zero experience, but to get the experience you have to have the experiences… so…
So go date 10 different women, just date and spend time with them. Don’t worry about getting your dick buried in her hole, you NEED the experience with spending time with women much much more than you need your dick wet. Get the experience part down and some adorable little chick will trip and fall on your dick with “oohhh it just happened, it was like magic” and of course you give her the plausible deniability she wants by replying “it was wasn’t it?”, but first things first.
I do so much readingthe new guy getting started
And you, as playing the role of “PUA Academic”, are waaaay up in your head creating your comfy little blue blanket of happiness and safety, no fear of rejection or “bad things” happening while you stay all up in that head of yours like you are predisposed to do with books, websites, videos, forums and all of that. You need to move out of your head, and into taking action, but until you solve the issues you discuss below we’re going to be butting heads
But can I actually do this? I just feel that I’ll get rejected constantly for years on end, and my ego can’t handle thatthe new guy getting started
Bad belief system programming. How can you possibly know this, how can you possibly have any confidence in this position at all in this one way or another – without actually doing it?? You could end up anywhere on the spectrum – you have as much of a chance of being a natural and having hundreds of women chasing you as you do being a complete and utter failure. But your belief system has been programmed – by you – to tell yourself to have doubts. Bullshit. You know fuck-all about the truth in this. Walmart STILL does not sell crystal balls, and as far as I know there is no one that can see into the future, you included.
But because you are all up in your head about this you’ve totally left the actual point of why you are doing this out of the equation – talking to girls is fun goddamn it. THEY WANT YOU TO TALK TO THEM. They get dressed up to attract male attention. They smell good in hopes you’ll show her attention. The value of male attention in girl world is beyond male understanding. Women live/thrive/seek/destroy worlds in order to get male attention, especially from a man she finds high value. Your value as a man is insane. But there are miles and mile and miles of real estate between running across a girl while you are out and about and opening her to assuage your curiosity about “she’s cute, but is she interesting and funny too?” as you begin to just have fun, to allll the way on the other end of the spectrum where you are banging her. In between is where the fun is – there are texts and phone conversations and “I’m going to grab a coffee, meet me over there at <time>” and sexting her to keep her motor running, and “I’m going to do <awesome thing>, come with me”, and making her dinner at your place and playing board games or card games with her, watching Netflix, or a football game, or going wine tasting, or taking her shooting, and all kinda other shit to do with her – and ALL of this is just enjoying who she is, end of story. Bring female company into your world, its awesome and easy to do with the right girlS – girls, plural, not just one, you need to develop a small rotation of the ones who have earned the right to be in your kingdom, but you need to build the kingdom too. Just saying “I’m the prize” is bullshit if there is no prize in the crackerjack box, and its just full of stale popcorn inside, no girl will stay around for that once she figures out its all bullshit
You-are-not-getting-married-out-of-doing-all-of-this-work, so back the fuck up. Baby steps, turn the self induced pressure volume knob down from 11 to about a 2. This is supposed to be fun, and it is fun. But it won’t be fun while you are living up in your head and so bound up in fear and anxiety that you don’t do shit about moving forward. That is a HUGE negative feedback loop you’ve got going. You tell yourself that you should try, you make a good but half measured effort, and then tell yourself that whatever story you use about beating yourself up for not doing it perfectly like your self imposed expectations remind you, then repeat this cycle a few times and you are circling the drain until someone throws you a lifeline and pulls you out of the spin.
Your presentation of your self imposed limitation reeks of absolute in-congruence around some strange dichotomy of “well if I talk to her then I’m responsible and I’m going to have to marry her”. How about you just get one date to go do something with a girl you open, talk to, find interesting, and say “I’m intrigued…. I’d love to learn more about you, here, put your number in my phone <hand phone over with contact screen open> and I’ll set up a time for us to go do something together”. Put your intent on the table. No dinner, no food. No movie where you don’t talk to her. Options: go to an ethnic cooking class together. Go wine tasting. Take a behind the scenes museum tour. What do you like to do in your spare time now? And, what were your hobbies before you met your ex that you gave up on in some white-knight induced moment of self sacrifice? I’d like to know
I also think that lack of experience puts me behind the 8-ballthe new guy getting started
And? So what. What… are you not going to do the work because of this? Are you never going to move through this? Why are you putting this false constraint in front of yourself? Flip your self imposed limitation into into a benefit – girls love nurturing, when you find a girl you like and want to fuck her then tell her about this, tell her you want to relearn with her, that you want to take that journey. No rose petal lined path to your bed with tons of candles, just throw her into the sheets and put her to work pleasing you while you talk and encourage her, and you both have fun. Its not going to be perfect, it never is, so what. She’s not perfect either, and she isn’t the judge of you. The danger here with this though is your predisposition to want to take your most valuable attribute – your commitment, your monogamy – and just give it away to the first girl who fucks you. This is a hard no. Be emotionally available but you need to journey through about 10 women, you don’t need to fuck them all but you do want to spend time with them all over 4-10 months, rotating between them all at the same time. ie harem game.
I hate admitting this, but I’m kinda inexperienced. So I’m really self conscious about not being a porn star and I believe that she’ll laugh at me or something because I don’t know what I’m doingthe new guy getting started
You didn’t mention that before, and that is helpful to know. But again, so what? How does that change *anything* in any way? This is a false constraint you’ve told yourself as a fear justification in order to keep you in place. It has zero actual impact, but you’ve allowed it into your head as some kind of “she won’t like me because I’m not a porn star” Fucking her brain is 70% of sex, the remaining 30% is dick game, she wants her brain fucked more than she wants her hole destroyed. You’ll be fine, enjoy the journey you’re undertaking, laugh at your failures with her. Every man has failures in the bedroom, learn to laugh at them, I definitely still do and I enjoy the shit out of them, “OK that didn’t work as expected, we’ll come back to that and try again later, you did fantastic but something is up with my dick, I think I’ll see the doc and see about getting a script for a new cock.” then break the toys out for awhile and tease torture her, she just wants ALL of your attention in the end
You need to fucking move forward, I’m weary of your sitting in place and am going to put a boot in your ass and shove you out of the nest! The light will come on at a certain point for you. But you’ve got to start walking forward, no matter how small the steps